The Intensity Factor

If my time in Japan was a reflection, the sign on the mirror through which it was reflected would read "Caution - Things may appear more serious in this mirror than they really are." (Can you follow my hokey car analogy?)

My new term for this phenomenon is the "intensity factor". Lacking any extended opportunities for normal communication I've developed some pretty strange behavior in order to cope. Part of the problem is that I’ve lost much of my self-confidence (that’s a whole other issue) and become rather “gun-shy” when it comes to relating to others. The faltering self-confidence has only been exacerbated by all the communication challenges I regularly encounter in the office. And now I think I've lost my ability to relate to people in any normal way.

For example, every time I talk with friends (or write an email to someone), I completely agonize afterwards that I've said/written the wrong thing. I literally have to resist the temptation to send a follow-up email, or call them back, to apologize or further elaborate what I meant. Sometimes, I find myself censoring or dumbing down what I want to say before it even comes out of my mouth for fear that it will be misunderstood (it often is)-as you can imagine, this sanitized version things is really awful and constricting. I've also developed a tendency to over-analyze, second-guess, or convince myself that I‘ve somehow offended or inconvenienced the person I was speaking with.

The irony of the intensity factor is that it grossly magnifies the importance of everything you see/think/feel while simultaneously leaving you feeling like the most insignificant creature in the world. Its like, you know deep in the back of your mind that the other person probably isn’t stressing that much about what you said or did, yet you expend a great deal of energy in excruciating pain worrying about it. And you sort of punish yourself for being so socially inept and convince yourself that you are the world’s biggest dork and probably shouldn’t really be around other people. But then you realize that - hey, aren’t you kind of assuming that you have a great deal of power over people if you can really cause those kinds of ripples in the social fabric…? Doh! Damned this intensity factor!

For me, I think there are a couple of things about life in Japan that aggravate this problem. First, I’ve realized that it isn’t exactly a level playing field when it comes to friendships. I could go on a big diatribe about being the “other” and all that, but I’ll spare you. Maybe I can sum it up in the following example: I have this friend, she’s really cool. We often hang out and she helps me practice Japanese sometimes. There’s just this one thing - every time she calls me on the telephone, I just can’t seem to end the call. She just goes on and on and on, missing all of my “soft clues“. It was a problem at first, but I grew to accept it. Recently I gave her a call to work out the scheduling of some tentative plans we had. I guess it was an inopportune time because she became really impatient and rushed off the phone very abruptly.

Now I hope I haven’t lost you. I know this phone story isn’t a big deal, but it does underscore a couple of important points:
1) Unlike our friendships at home, I think we are more often at the mercy of whims of our friends here, perhaps because we need them so much more?
2) Even in the closest or most comfortable of relationships, there is always this notion of feeling responsible for “managing” what the other person thinks or feels to the detriment of our own feelings. Because, in a sense, we are always performing even when we are not at work. Another example, my JTE spends 75% of his time looking frazzled, frantic, and basically ignoring me in the office. But during that other 25%, when he is ready to talk to me, I better be ready to go. For if I am fatigued, culture-shocked, over-worked, stressed or otherwise off my game, the impression is going to last a long time. And those impressions are meaningful. They are kind of an instrument of one’s success as an ALT. I get the feeling that if I cared a lot less about this aspect of my job I’d be a much happier person!

The final thing I’m struggling with is the way in which emotion and expression communicates different meanings in Japanese culture as opposed to my own. I know there is a stereotype of the hot-headed, fly-off-the-handle, emotional American which does have its roots in some truth. But the reality is that emotion - joy, anger, if properly utilized, can be a powerful communicative tool in American relationships. But it’s a highly sophisticated, highly nuanced thing and takes a lot of skill and a deep understanding of the situation to do properly. I find myself at a loss to explain this to my Japanese friends and highly embarrassed if I get too expressive in the wrong social situation here. Whereas in American culture it is understood that there is a time to be happy, a time to get angry, etc. I suspect that in Japan it is completely the opposite. An American who exhibit’s emotion (good or bad) is a person who is in control of the situation…a Japanese person who exhibits emotion (good or bad) is a person who has lost control of the situation.

So there you have it. The intensity factor. I’m convinced I will be fodder for any aspiring psychiatrist when I return home…