Oh No -- Am I a "lifer"?!?!

Gadzooks! I'm going to have to leave Japan in less than a year, and do you know what? I really don't want to!

This is how serious I am about wanting to stay: if I could remain in Ikata for another year but had to decide to do so immediately (as in today, right this moment), I wouldn't even hesitate to sign the contract. I am just so happy here! And I don't want to be dramatic, but everyday a little piece of my heart breaks to realize that I'm going to have to leave soon. Sigh.

I can't account for these feelings in any logical manner. On any given day I run the gamut from thinking that I'm doing something incredibly important with my time here to believing that I am the most ridiculously superfluous creature ever. Talk about a rollercoaster! The little Japanese that I do manage to speak during those rare times when my foot is not actually in my mouth is just awful and I am in a constant state of (exhausting) paranoia that I'm going to say/do the wrong thing (alright, alright, I know I'm a generally paranoid and uptight person anyway but I'm pretty sure its magnified in Japan). In purely Japanese contexts (folk dancing, matsuris, teas, loooong-ass parties in which I am the only English speaker, etc.) I feel about as sophisticated and graceful as a three-legged elephant. Argh - it seems that if you live in Japan for a long enough time and you are even remotely sensitive to your environment, you'll gain just enough understanding to understand that you understand nothing at all. Kind of like permanently being the only person in the room who doesn't get the joke.

I could go on.

That being said, there is something so amazing and seductive about this Japanese life of mine that I just can't let it go. On the one hand its "Japanese culture" itself (whatever that means, exactly!) and I'm not referring to that that naively romantic "tea and onsen" stuff . I don't presume to have penetrated anything of substance about the things around me, but I have to admit that I'm just enamoured with the mechanics and rhythm of everyday life in the countryside, exchanging new ideas and emotions in an unfamiliar cultural milieu, the unbelievable kindness of my friends, and the overall color/texture/patterns/melody of this place. On the other hand, I find it thrilling to go through life not completely understanding everything around me (its like this enormous intellectual puzzle I have to solve). I love learning Japanese and I can't wait to study it formally in school. Also (this might sound wierd) I really like having to utilize tools other than language to communicate with people. I honestly feel like I've connected with people in a more meaningful way because of this.

Of course, there are a million more things I could write about why I like it here but I think I already made this post too much of a corny lovefest.

So I want to stay here but I can't. I'm currently devising a plan that involves hiding out in K's closet for the next year just so I can remain in Japan. I would stay in A's closet because her place is bigger but, lets face it, the spiders in Misaki are terrifying.

I'll let you know how it all works out!