What is beautiful? I'm totally going to regret this post tomorrow...

Something extraordinary happened in January.

I took a vacation and left Ikata.

While I was gone, I bought contacts. When I returned to Ikata (sans eyeglasses) it became painfully obvious to me that everyone in town had gone...

stark...

raving...

MAD!!!! ＼(>o<)／

I mean certifiable. Actually, I strongly suspect someone has poisoned the mikans (oranges) with hallucinogenics or the like. Its the only explanation I can come up with.

Ok, some of you are already familiar with whats been going on but for those of you who aren't, let me quickly explain. I have been suffering cruelly as of late at the hands of well-intentioned citizens who have taken to commenting directly on my appearance. Specifically, people keep telling me (and I mean constantly) how beautiful I am. I'm ready to cry.

Now before you groan and roll your eyes, I implore you to read on.

(1) The concept of outward beauty makes me very, very uneasy. I don't put much value in it and for the most part I don't pay attention to it. Yes, ok, of course in a fun sort of "what celebrity do you think is cute" kind of way. But certainly not when it comes to "real" people and especially not to myself.

Er, I should mention that I was born into an unusually attractive family - my two cousins (C and J) and my brother are blessed with extremely good looks (like models). Lets just say that I figured out very early in life that I had better study hard in school and work to develop my personality, etc. :D

(2) For three and a half weeks, once or twice a day minimum, people around town - men and women both - have looked directly into my eyes and told me that I am beautiful, often without having even been engaged in conversation with me. Some very random examples:

-The post office crew, for lack of a better word, freaked out when I went to buy stamps recently. Even the most loquacious guy in the office didn't speak to me. Instead he just stared. Seriously, if it were a horror movie he'd have been that creepy guy cast to make you think he's the murderer.

-Katou-san chased me down the street (about half a block) from the car repair shop to tell me that I've "become" beautiful. Weird. I haven't talked to him since last October.

-At the last PTA enkai Kocho-sensei and his cohorts told me that "recently I've become" beautiful. Of course, they then proceeded to ask me which of them I wanted most. Brushing aside that comment, I tried to escape the conversation which had become increasingly uncomfortable for me. I denied that anything has changed when my most trusted confidant at school said, actually, she felt the same way, and so did her parents, and so did most people around town that she spoke with. Great. Something to support my increasing paranoia that people are indeed talking about me.

-A very cute Japanese guy told me - within a few minutes of just meeting me - that I am "very beautiful" (ok, gotta admit, that one put me over the edge!) This is part of a wider trend in which lovely single men swoon, compliment, then shuffle into the corner like skittish cats afraid to make the next move. But more about that particular topic another time.

I admit, this would all be wonderful except for that the conversations are cloaked in language which suggests that something is "different" about me, that I've become "different", and truthfully I'm not perceiving that "different" is good. I know for a fact people are behaving differently towards me lately. Yeesh, I actually worried that someone had spread a rumor about me around town for a while there. Its all very strange and very uncomfortable. I am completely baffled.

I think I will write more about this again after I've thought more clearly about things. But for now here are some miscellaneous thoughts tumbling around in my mind:

-If a change has indeed occurred, it is totally superficial (outside versus inside). As such, I'm disappointed that people are making such a big deal about it.

-What the hell did change anyway? As a good friend recently joked, "Damn. I'm gonna get contacts, too". Ha!

-I allowed myself to get overanxious - to the point of becoming physically ill - by all the feedback. I don't like to stand out, I just don't like to have my appearance commented on by strangers in this way.

- The feeling that my image is something floating out there, for public consumption, is sort unnerving. Remember, I live in a small, ultra-conservative community. The dynamics of daily life here, compounded by the fact that I am "an outsider", makes everything much more weird. I have to admit, this unwanted attention has played into feelings of insecurity (about my appearance in general) and loneliness (because I desperately want to fit in). Because in one sense getting close to people is really the process of discovering the things that you find beautiful about them. But ironically, it seems that my new-found "beauty" is distancing me from people more than bringing me closer to them.

-So, I've been consumed lately by thoughts about beauty...what is beautiful, anyway? The topic has come up in conversation lots with Japanese friends. We've chatted about ideal types, American and Japanese concepts of beauty. In what way have I "become beautiful"?

Sigh, I just got really tired so I'm going to end this now. Sweet dreams everyone!